Monday, March 31, 2008
It was cool. It was really an answer to prayer. I've been asking God to help me turn to Him when temptation arises instead of running from Him and that's just what He did. A temptation arose (the desire to look like the models), I turned from the temptation, turned to God who provided me with an out (in the form of a Better Homes and Gardens magazine) and I took the out. It was really encouraging.
This week as a whole has been much better than last week. I know I had a couple bad days, but the whole week didn't suck! Hooray! But really, it was better. I weighed in at 104 this morning...one more pound and I'll have reached my goal...for the moment.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I don't get this. I know He's there and I say I want Him more than anything, so why do I still play the harlot when it comes to these desires? Why do I look to the One I love, then turn and run to the thing I hate? I run to the thing that hurts me and hurts the One I say I love.
None of it makes sense to me. The only thing I've found that has helped some is in Romans. Paul has a rather round-a-bout way of getting to it, but it makes sense.
I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. Oh wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
It all started last night. After a fun evening of going to the movies with mom and having a delicious smoothie I got to bed and realized that for the third night in a row I felt really full. Once again I had my snack too late and instead of being comfortable to mildy hungry, I was quite full. Well, this did not go over well. I got up, did some crunches (it never helps...i don't know why I still try it), then in a last desprate attempt to make my stomach go down some I tried punching myself in the stomach several times. That didn't work either...it just hurt. Finally, after getting up and telling mom that I was changing breakfast to something less calorically intense, I went back to bed.
So, today went as well as could be expected for having a night like that. I managed to hit 2000, but probably not much more than that.
Friday, March 21, 2008
The wind was actually boisterous, the waves were actually high, but Peter did not see them at first. He did not reckon with them, he simply recognized his Lord and stepped out in recognition of Him, and walked on the water. Then he began to reckon with the actual things, and down he went instantly. Why could not our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves as well as on the top of them? Neither could be done saving by recognition of the Lord Jesus.
We step right out on God over some things, then self-consideration enters in and down we go. If you are recognizing your Lord, you have no business with where He engineers your circumstances. The actual things are, but immediately you look at them you are overwhelmed, you cannot recognize Jesus, and the rebuke comes: "Wherefore didst thou doubt?" Let actual circumstances be what they may, keep recognizing Jesus, maintain complete reliance on Him.
If you debate for a second when God has spoken, it is all up. Never begin to say - "Well, I wonder if He did speak?" Be reckless immediately, fling it all out on Him. You do not know when His voice will come, but whenever the realization of God comes in the faintest way imaginable, recklessly abandon. It is only by abandon that you recognize Him. You will only realize His voice more clearly by recklessness.
That lovely was written by Oswald Chambers as the June 18th entry of My Utmost for His Highest. I read that last night after all the craziness. I know I am so not there yet, but it's some places I want to get.
This problem is real and I am actually dealing with this. Running from it isn't going to help and hiding is just a band aid. Focusing on Jesus is what's going to get me through. It's easier said than done, but with training it can be. Training doesn't happen all at once. Just like training your body doesn't happen all at once. It takes time and practice. I have to remind myself that I'm not going to go from sick to well in six weeks...this is a process. I shouldn't be beating myself up when I slip. I just have to work through and keep going, keep training. Also, it's not something that my mind can make happen. Just like training the body, you can't think your way to improvement, it takes training. So, reckless abandon is the prize and goal...but right here is the training ground.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Anyways, so yeah. I knew it was coming on tuesday because God was trying to show me some cool stuff and I was almost grasping it. I was at work (teaching ballet:) and I don't remember how I even started thinking about it, but it occurred to me, that maybe there's more to having a "ballet body" than being a stick. Maybe it involves having a body that is physically structured in such a way that it can hold up to the stresses of ballet better than other body types(which I have for the most part). And maybe having that body is what helps you gain the technique...not being really skinny. And if technique is the vehicle for the artistry then being healthy helps improve the artistry. And the art in dance is what is so beautiful and moving about dance. So, if a healthy body produces artistry, then a healthy body produces beauty. I happened to be standing in front of a mirror this whole time and for a minute I almost let myself consider the possibility that I could fit that category....but no...not yet.
So that was a moment so truth between thoughts of "I hate my thighs" and "Here comes the cow". But it gave me something to hang onto for the day at least. I knew that an attack was on it's way after that, but no amount of knowing seems to make any difference when it comes. I haven't gotten to a point where I can stand up to it yet. I curl up into a ball, wait for it to pass and do the best I can to not lose it. And hang on to God...that helps.
The frustrating part in all of this is that my body feels so much better. I have energy, I'm dancing better, I can cope with life better and I can tell things are just working better...I have muscle...that you can see. These are all good things, but my mind I so freakin slow. The spirit and flesh are willing but the mind is stubborn. I'll admit it's better than it was, but this whole thing has been torture since I hit 1800 calories. Okay, torture might be too strong of a word, but I've been running into the same wall since then and my brain isn't getting past it. This was part of an email I sent tonight venting on a youth leader...it put it well; "Physically I feel 1000 times better, and I want to keep feeling better, and then I run into a wall. So I get up...and I run into again...and again...and again. It's very frustrating. And I don't want to push through it too hard and send myself down another path..."
Anyways, my mother, who is generally a good force of reason reminded me that this whole thing is a process. It's a process that takes at least six-months to a year...if you're lucky. I will have these days and tomorrow is another day. Another chance.
Monday, March 17, 2008
One good thing about going away was that it was sort of a forced reality. I had to cope with not having an exact food schedule and exact protion sizes measured down to the ounce. While I don't think I could keep it up on a regular baisis yet, it was kind of nice. And on top of all that I just had a heck of a time, which is why I went in the first place.
My body is still adjusting to the calorie intake. It's better, but every 2oo calories or so my somach goes haywire and I feel like crap for a couple days. Those are the worst days for me. It's not cool when the thing that's supposed to be making you better actually makes you feel worse for a while. But after a few days it gets better for a while.
Last thing for the night. I want to make a coment on something I wrote in my last post. Some one mentioned this to me and I wanted to make sure I get this across clearly. I have been using a tablespoon of olive oil (or flax seed oil) to help with the calorie intake. However, I don't want it to seem like I'm doing that as a substitute for food, if that makes sense. I guess, if you didn't want to eat you could drink the oil, but personally I think that would be really gross. Anyway, calories are not the only reason for adding the oil. There are certian nutrients that I need (even ore so now) and those oils are excelent sources of those nutrients (omega-3 and other fatty acids that help with mood and hormone production). Also, oil was a terrifying food for me for a while. I didn't want to have it. I was all about the dry salads or a salad with some salsa (10 calories in 2 tbs, so I'd put on 1 tabelspoon and I was good to go). So, adding the oil was a good and necessary step for me. The same thing goes for juice, it's a way to help add the calories and there's lots of good nutrients, but you can't just drink juice (which was another scary food for me...to ask me to drink a cup of juice was like asking me to jump off a cliff...not happening). I was reading the other day that some one like me who should be consuming at least 2400 calories per day should have about 7 teaspoons of oil a day, in some form. Food is essential, but these things help and are an important part of a healthy diet.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I got some encouragement yesterday. I went to get another massage. The lady said that while I still look yellow, I also look a lot better. So, there has been definite improvment in the last two weeks. I'm hoping that that after today we'll be able to wait an extra week before the next jump. Just to give me some time to let my emotional state catch up with my physical improvement. Mom said that may work, as long as I don't lose any weight. I didn't gain any last week (still at 101), but I didn't lose any either.
Monday, March 10, 2008
The overall trend is up, but there are still problem moments (lots of them). Take sunday for an example. There was a freakin cheese catastrophy at my house. It's amazing the havoc an ounce of cheese can wreak. Ahh, the power of cheese (wasn't that a comercial? I don't remember). Anyways, we survived the cheese incident in one piece and are in a better place now. lol
I keep trying to remind myself that I feel better, my skin is better, my teeth are better, I'm kind of acting like myself on occasion, I'm dancing better...these are all good things.
People who fret about food and weight all the time cut themselves off from family, friends and relationships. They deaden their emotions with hunger. That's why people with anorexia can actually lose weight (as compared to most diet failures). They do not eat due to stress, nor do they find enjoyment in eating. They miss out on one of life's pleasures: enjoyable eating. "
Friday, March 7, 2008
On the positive side though, I'm continuing to feel better physically. My stomach/digestive system was not good for a few days (changes in diet have a tendency to do that), but it's much better now. Raisins, dates, and pro-biotics are my friends. Prune juice is gross.
Something else cool...I was looking in the mirror today and got very excited (me? mirror? excited? strange, but true) because I actually sort of have like arm and calf muscles now. I was so happy. It's amazing what happens when you start giving your body the right stuff.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
When I told mom she didn't freak or anything. It's a process, but it can't happen again today (and it won't, today's already better). I think something that helped me not plummet was that I got permission to go away next weekend to some friends' house. They live about an hour and a half away and my mom can't go to make sure I eat. She wasn't sure if she was going to let me go because of the food thing. In the end she said I could, but I have to eat. Anyway, this trip has given me something else to work towards. I know that if I lose between now and next weekend, I'm not going to be allowed to go. Since I really want to go, it will be helpful if I don't mess up too bad. I think going away for a weekend will be a good test for me. My friends know what I'm dealing with, so they'll be able to keep on my butt about it if I start acting up.
Overall, I'm still seeing steady improvement in my attitude and how I feel physically. My energy is so much better, I'm able to enjoy things again like being with my friends (really enjoy them), on occasion I'm actually enjoying the food I eat too. I had forgotten how much I liked chocolate. My dad (who didn't think I was yellow to begin with) even said that my color is better. The food plan is helping a lot. I'm very reliant on it right now. It really helps to have something that sets up guide lines and boundaries, even if it totally and completely sucks the first two weeks.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Snack No later than 8
Eating anything later than 8 leaves me feeling too full right before bed. It's really hard to get your mind off of it when (A) you're worried about it to begin with, (B) you're really full and (C) you don't have much else to think about. Evey one's schedule is different, but this works pretty well for me....especially eating dinner before 7. That way the food has time to digest.
Monday, March 3, 2008
And to top that off, in the Interior Castle (chapter 1 of the 5th dwelling), St. Teresa is talking about prayer. In the prayer of mature Christians there comes a point when occasionally while praying we become so absorbed in Him that we basically just stop everything and let Him just be in us for a little while (she calls it the Prayer of Union). She says it much better than I do; "Union lasts such a short time and it seems even shorter than it actually is. God presses Himself so fully against the inside of the soul that when she returns to herself she has no doubt whatsoever that God was in her and she was in God." I know it sounds kinda crazy out of context and I make no claim to be at that point in my walk with God, but I want to be there. To be so close to Him. So close that nothing can keep me from Him. Not busy schedules, not past hurts, not present struggles, not an eating disorder. Nothing. To be so totally His that He can come in and out as He pleases.
But it's hard to get there and sometimes it's scary. It's frightening to give Him everything, because He might not do with it what we would.
Today the calorie count got bumped up by 100, so I'm up to a little over 1700 calories. I must say that even though that that's nowhere near the number I need, it's a heck of a lot better than the 1100 I was getting a month ago (it's already been a month since that really bad episode). It was hard, but I'm doing okay. It's so funny. Now that I'm eating, I'm feeling better and feeling better is helping me eat. I don't feel so sluggish, I played an hour of racket ball yesterday with mom and I had plenty of energy, I have plenty of energy for dance (or it feels like plenty of energy...comparatively). The fact that my thighs are touching and my profile is not quite as thin (nothing is quite as thin), is still uncomfortable (and noticeable in a leotard and tights), but I don't fell as disgusted with myself.
One thing though that I'm really not crazy about is that even though my energy level has gone up, my body is confused. I don't think it's quite sure what to do with all this unfamiliar stuff I'm ingesting (I had chocolate tonight...and I enjoyed the crap out of it). My stomach hasn't been right for the last several days. It almost feels like an old pair of shoes that I haven't worn in years and that are kinda crusty from lack of use. Stupid illustration, I know. But I have some good news...the bloating does get better. It's not gone, but it's not nearly as bad.
Mom has noticed that my color is getting better. My hands are still really cold and my temp is a little low, but it's a start. I'm still planning on a doctor visit. The only thing that's got me a little discouraged about that is something mom read the other day. It said that a lot of times the blood tests are inconclusive and bone loss may not show up on a bone density test for up to two years. On top of that, even if anything showed up, the only way to fix it is through (you guessed it) nutrition. So, we're going to look into that a little more and get some more info. Either way I'm still going to go. It would just be smart since I'm going to be gone dancing all summer.