This is just something really cool I read out of this book I'm reading called The Interior Castle (which is taking me a ridiculously long time to read, but it's really good). It kind of goes along with why we repent from sin. It's not because we're afraid of consequences (we get those either way) and it's not because we're sorry (just because you're sorry doesn't mean you won't do it again). It's because you see just how much God has loved you and just how much you have hurt and disappointed Him. He is the reason we repent.

"I must tell you that, as imperfect as I have been, I have never been afraid of the torments of the underworld. These pale in comparison with the thought of the anger and disappointment in the Beloved's eyes - those beautiful, kind, gentle eyes - when he stands in the end before those who have forsaken Him. I don't think my heart could endure such a sight."

Who do you serve?

Okay...all is...stable. The last couple days haven't been so hot and it would have been really nice to say forget it and jump back down a few hundred calories. Wednesday night after my last post I went and sat down with my Bible and note book and looked up a few verses. God kept bringing me to scriptures that talked about serving Him versus serving other stuff.

Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in sincerity and in truth, and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord! And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."Joshua 24:14-15
Once again, it's time to decide. Who am I going to serve? Who am I going to bow down to?

Also you shall destroy all the peoples whom the Lord your God delivers over to you; your eye shall have no pity on them; nor shall you serve their gods, for that will be a snare to you. Deuteronomy 7:16
The sin has to be totally destroyed. I can't leave it any opening for it...or it will be a snare.

You shall fear the Lord your God and serve Him, and shall take oaths in His name. You shall not go after other gods, the gods of the peoples who are all around you. Deuteronomy 6:13-14
I am here to serve God and serve Him only. I'm not to go after the things of the world and the things that everyone around wants. Just Him.

So, it's not been the easiest couple of days, but He grabbed me before I went anywhere I shouldn't and we're working through it.

...and down we go

Everything I said yesterday? Not feelin' it tonight. When I can hardly get my jeans around my thighs after a day of dance that was not so hot...yeah. Feels like crap. So, I'm gonna do my best to run to God instead...I'll let you know how it goes

Okay, so I pulled out some pictures last night of me from a year or two ago...before started eating badly. I hadn't looked at these photos for a while and I was surprised to find that I was actually pretty happy with how I looked in those pictures. I looked pretty darn good in a size 2..or 4...I forget :) Anyway, it was encouraging to see that, instead of imagining a cow. It's getting better. Slowly but surely. I'm learning how to run to God and not to anything else when things start to feel weird. Like yesterday. Mondays are challenges because those are the calorie bump days. It was hard but I did it. We even went out to eat last night..and I did pretty well.

Running to God is so vital. It takes retraining and it takes help at first from people around you, but after a while it's not so hard. It's the one thing that helps and it's the thing that keeps you from hurting Him. It's a win-win.

And while I'm here I'll share another cool story about how incredibly faithful He is. So, I'm supposed to be heading off to The Royal Ballet this summer right? The tuition is sent in, the flights are booked, the tickets to see The Rake's Progress at the Opera House are booked and I'm ready to start packing...but there were to minor details that were potentially problematic. A) We were having very little luck finding an affordable place to stay and B) everyone we'd talked to said the finding food was not an easy task...grocery stores were in short supply. It's all taken care of now. Someone we know over there found us a place to rent for a good rate and get this...there's a Whole Foods Market five minutes away. Isn't God just cool like that?

Delight

You know how you can read a scripture a hundred times and then all the sudden it hits you? Yep. It’s cool. That happened last night. I was looking over a note book that I had used to just jot down some thoughts over the past couple years. It’s funny. God has been leading me back to this same issue of body image for a long time before I fell into bad eating habits. But I think it goes beyond body image. When it comes down to it, it’s a matter of knowing my identity in Christ. He’s bringing me back to this point until I get it…and I think I’m starting to. It was cool to look back and see how God has worked over a longer period of time in addition to the last few months.

Okay, so now for the scripture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. It hit me last night that that is exactly what happened. I finally turned to God, for God. Simply because I wanted Him. I found my delight in Him, He knew my desire and He gave it to me. So to Him be the glory for all of it. For drawing us to Himself, for healing us, for restoring us and for fulfilling the desires He’s placed in our hearts

Repaired or restored?

I read something interesting in my bible study today. It was talking about how people can change their behavior and overcome challenges even without God, but in order the heart to change we have to have God. That sort of raises the question, "If you can recondition the behavior why change the heart?". I was thinking about how to answer on of the questions about that subject and it hit me...its the difference between being repaired and restored. You can repair something, prop it up, put a bandage on it, sew it back together, but that doesn't mean it works right. You can fix a faucet, but it still might leak. You can change a behavior, but that doesn't mean you're different. You can't accomplish the purpose God has for you until you let Him change your heart. We're not these self regenerated organisms that can heal or restore ourselves. We can repair ourselves and we can prop ourselves up, but until we let our maker restore us, we can't accomplish our purpose. We might be up, but we're still broken. We can survive, but we can't live.

It's like any injury. You can wrap it, tape it, ice it, take drugs to make it feel better...but at the end of the day it still doesn't work right. Only after rest and rehab will it heal completely...and even then there can be scars. You wake up on a cold morning and that ankle that's felt fine for months all the sudden is back. Same thing. Only after resting in God and spending time in Him (rest & rehab) can we heal. The scars are our consequences. He will deliver us from our trouble, but we still have consequences to face.

Not a surprise

I knew the attack was coming...and it came. I'm struggling but I'm not surprised and it's okay. My clue? An acceptance letter from The Royal Ballet Summer School. Yep...I got in. I can hardly believe it and I am so excited about it. It's seriously a dream come true for me. I didn't really expect to get in. I sent my application and pictures in and pretty much forgot about it...until yesterday. I've been pretty much speechless about it since. The God of the universe care about the dream of a teenage girl...crazy huh?

So today. It was all going just fine, until I was on my way home from teaching. Me and my family were supposed to go to Out Back for dinner as an end of tax season celebration (I get to have parents again...woohoo!), but I didn't get home until after 7 which meant we weren't going to get there until close to 8 which meant I wasn't going to eat until late. Now, while I'm doing a lot better, I still don't trust myself. Especially when it comes to eating dinner late...I have found that that just doesn't make for a pleasant evening for anyone. Well, we ended up eating at home and it was later than usual but not as late as it would have been otherwise. I just became terrified on the way home. I don't want to repeat any of the bad nights again and I know how to avoid them. The parents were fine with it, but I still feel really bad, like I let it get in the way of something fun that we were supposed to do as a family. And I know we can go another night, but still....

I've always loved the chorus, but then I read the whole hymn....wow

O soul, are you weary and troubled?No light in the darkness you see?There’s a light for a look at the Savior,And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlastingHe passed, and we follow Him there;Over us sin no more hath dominion—For more than conquerors we are!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;Believe Him, and all will be well:Then go to a world that is dying,His perfect salvation to tell!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.

This was part of my devotion today. It's from My Utmost for His Highest. It's talking receiving the power of the holy Spirit. Once have decided that it's time for our sin to die so that we can be united with Christ, we are given the power of the Holy Spirit. That same power to overcome is given to us. Not just a copy. How cool is that? Of course letting go of the sin doesn't usually happen all at once. That's the process. Anyway, this was the part I really liked; "We have to keep letting go, and slowly and surely the great full life of God will invade us in every part." You have to make the decision to do it and then God sends His Spirit to come be our friend and helper. I really thought that was cool.

Ahh...I wish I had more hours in a day. But anyway....hello again. Today has been pretty good. This whole week hasn't been too bad actually. I went to get my massage wednesday (my neck is killing me...still), and the lady said that I look really good. The yellow is almost gone. The only place she saw it was in my feet some. Yay!

It's so weird, I'm actually still kind of happy with how I look. I sort of worry myself that I'm still spending a little too much time in front of the mirror...but now the other way. Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it too much. If I am I know it will swing back to normal eventually. I think it's just that I've hated my body for so long and now I don't all the time. I get kind of excited.

I have had this rather strange underlying feeling the last couple days. I don't feel like I'm going to freak or lose it or anything like that. There's just a level of uncertainty. Like I'm not quite sure how I like all of this (which I know sounds weird after the above paragraph). I'm a lot better, but there's still that residual "I've put on enough weight thank you and I don't care to put on anymore". Now of course, that's not an option...it's left over stupid-ness swirling around in the brain. I feel like I'm getting ready to tread on some unstable and forgotten ground. It's kinda of hard to put properly.

okay, well I have more to say, but I'm really tired so it will have to wait. Good night.

Last week actually went pretty well considering it was spring break (which the stupidest idea anyone has ever come up with, but whatever). I was still in rehearsal a lot, but there's not much dancing involved. Our performance is this weekend and I think it's going to be really good.

I think I feel frustrated. That's the closest word I can find. I'm doing well, I'm eating what I'm supposed to, I'm putting on weight, I'm feeling better...all that stuff. I'm just feeling like this semester will never be over. I know a lot of healing has been done and there's a lot left to do, and I know that God set this spring up and restricted my activity level. But the end of the spring is in sight and summer is getting closer. The closer it gets the more I want it to be here. And not even because I want to burn of more calories...I just want to dance. It will be better now that spring break pretty much over, but still. I feel stuck.

A "YAY!" moment

This was cool. I don't know if it will last...I doubt it will, but I think it was a big step. The mirror was actually my friend for once. Okay, so I was getting ready for church tonight. I put on my jeans and walked over to one my mirrors. This generally only serves to depress me, but I do it anyways...I don't know why. Anyways, so I get over to the mirror and I'm looking at my jeans I said to myself; "You know what? I've got a damn cute butt when I have one." Now, you'll have to forgive my language, but I'm not gonna lie...it was a good feeling. To actually feel good about myself and the way I look (even if it doesn't last yet)...I'm gonna say that's big.

I'm going to go soak myself in some scripture now before I go to sleep because I know, with something as cool as that, an attack can't be far behind. So there. Good night