Yellow and Cold

So, I was talking to mom again the other day and we came to another obvious conclusion. Eating disorders affect your outlook on your goals for life and your personality. I became so obsessed with food that I lost myself in it and I lost sight of my goals. That's something (another thing) that God has really been pressing on me this week. I need to get back on track with my goals and I need (with His help of course) to dig up my personality which has been buried by months of not eating.

Okay, so I've sort of lost myself...how do I get myself back? This is what I came up with, maybe it's right, maybe not...but either way it's what I got. I think that in order, to find yourself you actually have to lose yourself in God (self will, self sufficiency, pride, all that stuff. You have to surrender it to Him) so that He can be sufficient and He then will return your personality to you. When we are truly His we are truly ourselves. So, to find yourself you have to lose yourself in Him. To really communicate with Him you have to know who you are (imagine trying to talk to some one about your life is you have amnesia...not a pretty picture) and the whole point of communicating with Him is to draw closer to Him. Therefore, to really communicate with Him, you must lose yourself in Him. It just sort of goes in circles (and if none of what I just said made any sense, read The First Dwelling of The Interior Castle and letter 13 of the Screwtape Letters).

That was my exciting little theological tidbit for the day. I'm still praying about it and hoping God will work out any bugs that may have slipped in along the way. Now for the day to day grind of life.

This week has been interesting. Especially today. This afternoon I got a much needed massage (and by now you're going "what the crap do eating disorders and neck massages have to do with each other?" but hold on). After the massage the lady was talking to my mom and told her (and me) that my skin was kinda yellowish, which means I have a lot of toxins in me (and I probably have a lot of toxins in me because I've been starving myself for the last year and my liver is not working right). But wait, there's more. She also, said that my circulation is not good at all. The room I was in wasn't THAT cold, but I was freezing. I've always had a tendency to be cold, but I guess this was worse than usual. Two not so good warning signs that I may have done more damage than I thought. So, she said she's going to get us in touch with a good nutritionist.

Now, I know none of this should really surprise me considering what I've been doing to my body, but it was. She's never noticed it before so it must have gotten bad recently (probably during those two weeks I starved myself after the ABT audition). I don't want to say I'm freaked out or scared, but I'm unnerved enough I think to help me push through a few more calories. It's kinda weird, as much as you may not want to, you can almost romanticize a problem like this until it hits you again that this is real and you get reminded of how dangerous it actually is. Then it gets kinda scary.