My Story

Hello,

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but that's okay. This is my story...sort of. It's really the story of what God is doing...I just happen to be one of the characters. I'm writing this with the prayer that someone will read this and find encouragement and hope. Maybe even come to know Christ or be inspired to know Him better. Anyway, I'll just tell the story and let Him do the work. Good? Good.

Okay, it all started two years ago at a ballet. My grandma took me to see Ballet Florida in Romeo and Juliet. I'd been dancing for several years, but I had no real desire for persue it professionally. It just seemed like too much pressure and stress. That is, until I saw Juliet come alive on stage...I wanted to be Juliet....I wanted to tell people stories and I wanted to do it on stage.

I knew from that night on that God wanted me to dance. Well, that's all fine and good, but I'm a little shall we say...behind the curve when it comes to ballet. I got a late start and I've got some catching up to do. Knowing this full well I fought with God about it. How did He expect me to do this? At the time I certainlly didn´t fit the profile for perfect ballerina body either. At 5´4¨ and 115 lbs I wasn´t fat but I wasn´t slender. So I fought with God some more. He helped me get to the point where I realized that what He wants is what He gets. Yeah I´m behind and maybe I didn´t totally fit the profile, but if I would just obey He´d work out the details. So I said okay.

Since I said okay He has brought me a long way. I don't worry about my behind-ness so much anymore. I still have some catching up to do, but I've come a long way. I even got over the image thing too for a while. Then I was on to the next thing...healthy eating.

It occurred to me one day that since I was going to be beating the crap out my body for a living it would probably not be a bad idea if I cleaned up my diet a bit. I didn't eat horribly, but there was definitely room for improvement. I made some changes, cut back on the cookies, upped my salad intake and was felling pretty darn good. Losing weight wasn't on my agenda, I just wanted to be healthier. I lost some weight, but it didn't really phase me one way or another. I was doing good stuff for my body.

But like all things (good or bad), excess is never good. I went from 115 lbs to 96. I may have gone lower, but I don't know for sure. Yeah, I was skinny and I "looked like a ballerina", but I lost a lot more than just weight. I lost energy, appetite, my period, coping skills and my attitude took a dive. I've become obsessed with what I eat, or don't eat and I hate the thought of gaining weight. The thought of consuming more than 1500 calories in a day is horrific, but so is the thought of not being able to dance. It's a quagmire.

I started getting better over the winter...I was actually doing really well. I started feeling better physically and emotionally. I really began taking some time to work on my relationship with God which I had let slip a few notches. It seemed like I might have been working my way out. But Satan hates it when he sees that he's starting to lose his grip on someone, so he throws out all his gross tricks. I went from doing really well to coming close to purging (something I'd never had any desire to do before). I didn't purge, but I also didn't eat for a week. I dropped back into the 90's, became really moody again and felt like crap. It's the worst I've ever been... and right in the middle of audition season. Not good.

At this point my parents have put their feet down. It stops here. I've got some say in what I eat, but they're really cracking down on me. I hate it, but I'm thankfull. I want to be healthy, but I'm too scared to take the steps by myself.

Anyway, now you know why I'm here. This is partly for me and partly for anyone else out there who is struggling. I don't want this to be just another blog about someone being destroyed by an eating disorder. I want this to be a blog about how God can help anyone overcome any stronghold. I want it to be a source of encouragement and hope. It doesn't matter if it's an eating disorder, or any other stronghold. He's so much bigger than that. So, if you're reading this and you've about had it...hang on. Just wait for Him and you'll find He's not that far away.