Icky

Today was-a not so hot. Neither was yesterday...or the week in general. Monday and tuesday I just felt fat, wednesday I felt like a cow and today I started cutting corners again. I'd been pretty good, but I finally lost it a little. I was supposed to make 2100 and I think I came close, but I don't think I quite hit it. I didn't do as well as I was supposed to, but I did better than I wanted to...what the crap? I know it's another attack and I knew it was coming.

Anyways, so yeah. I knew it was coming on tuesday because God was trying to show me some cool stuff and I was almost grasping it. I was at work (teaching ballet:) and I don't remember how I even started thinking about it, but it occurred to me, that maybe there's more to having a "ballet body" than being a stick. Maybe it involves having a body that is physically structured in such a way that it can hold up to the stresses of ballet better than other body types(which I have for the most part). And maybe having that body is what helps you gain the technique...not being really skinny. And if technique is the vehicle for the artistry then being healthy helps improve the artistry. And the art in dance is what is so beautiful and moving about dance. So, if a healthy body produces artistry, then a healthy body produces beauty. I happened to be standing in front of a mirror this whole time and for a minute I almost let myself consider the possibility that I could fit that category....but no...not yet.

So that was a moment so truth between thoughts of "I hate my thighs" and "Here comes the cow". But it gave me something to hang onto for the day at least. I knew that an attack was on it's way after that, but no amount of knowing seems to make any difference when it comes. I haven't gotten to a point where I can stand up to it yet. I curl up into a ball, wait for it to pass and do the best I can to not lose it. And hang on to God...that helps.

The frustrating part in all of this is that my body feels so much better. I have energy, I'm dancing better, I can cope with life better and I can tell things are just working better...I have muscle...that you can see. These are all good things, but my mind I so freakin slow. The spirit and flesh are willing but the mind is stubborn. I'll admit it's better than it was, but this whole thing has been torture since I hit 1800 calories. Okay, torture might be too strong of a word, but I've been running into the same wall since then and my brain isn't getting past it. This was part of an email I sent tonight venting on a youth leader...it put it well; "Physically I feel 1000 times better, and I want to keep feeling better, and then I run into a wall. So I get up...and I run into again...and again...and again. It's very frustrating. And I don't want to push through it too hard and send myself down another path..."

Anyways, my mother, who is generally a good force of reason reminded me that this whole thing is a process. It's a process that takes at least six-months to a year...if you're lucky. I will have these days and tomorrow is another day. Another chance.